i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
