you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize