so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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