i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Your penis caused this!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
