Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
