The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
