The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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