ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
