I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Someone shattered a urinal.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I think I sprained my soul last night
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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