he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
