brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
