Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
