Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
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