My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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