you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
