I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
