my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
the day after is always just damage control
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
