you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Can I color on your dick again?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
