You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
what day is it and did you see me today?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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