There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
We smell like vodka and hangover
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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