Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
