my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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