Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
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