I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I can't turn off my feet"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
