i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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