There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
