saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Randomize
