I just made out with a guy for $7.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
