Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize