Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Randomize
