And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Randomize
