I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I think I am morally bankrupt
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
