She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
