Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize
