I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
