I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
