i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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