You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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