Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize