Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
I did not marry a roomba.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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