Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Randomize
