The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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