2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
