I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
