Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
