yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Your cock deserves a montage
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
