Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
