A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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