i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize