life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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