the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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