Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
