I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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