It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize