Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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