did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
