youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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