It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
