remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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