Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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