they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
People in love make me want to vomit
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
