I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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