I wish I only lived at night.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
