I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
