He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
