I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I just found a bag of teeth...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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