i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
