Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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